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  • Terry-Ann Zander

Sweatpants - Are they only drive-thru worthy?

I've been doing a lot of sitting the last eight months. Sitting down to eat, sitting on the couch to watch TV, sitting in the bathroom. I sit up in bed to read, too, unless I'm reading a cookbook; well, then I stand. I sit in the car to drive to the store, the bank and to the post office and to restaurants.

I am soooooo tired of sitting.

I’ve been sitting so long that I’ve actually worn out the fabric in my three favorite pairs of sweatpants. Yes, indeed I’ve completely worn out the inner leg seams in those sweatpants. Not just frayed, friends, but I can see my inner thighs every time I sit down, which is all day, every day!!

Even when I go into the bathroom, to sit quietly to play Words with Friends2, respond to a text or listen to a podcast, I can see clearly to the floor tile, and plush bathroom rug through the hole in the crotch of my beloved sweatpants.

I can’t seem to part with these comfortable clothes. Why can’t I just ‘Marie Kondo’ them because the joy has sparked, and long since left my drawers? Get it drawers??? Ha ha!

Now, I know I need to upgrade to a couple new pairs because it's gotten so bad, I can’t even leave the house in them. Honestly, I could probably get away with wearing them at the post office, or the WaWa or a quick trip to the local Walmart (that’ll never happen though - I don’t shop there unless it's to spend someone else's money aka gift cards). These pants would not pass muster at the grocery store, or definitely not the bank, unless I was applying for a loan. Hmmm, on the other hand it might just convey the appropriate amount of desperation needed to acquire a loan, so I am not going to rule it out.

They are, though, perfect for a drive-thru of any kind…fast food, Dunkin' Donuts and hey, the bank drive-thru would work too, but no lobby action in these pants unless, again, I'm applying for a loan.

On small business Saturday, I visited a local clothing store that actually had a sale on sweatpants. Yay-$10 a pair! I should have completely restocked. Now, I think $10 is very reasonable for sweatpants. There was a problem though, that was a deal-breaker: they had no drawstring or way to cinch them. They would rely solely on the integrity and performance of the elastic waistband to keep them up while gentling holding all (well most) of my ‘parts’ in place. All without human intervention of said drawstring pull.

And two days after Thanksgiving I definitely wasn’t in the mood to try anything on, never mind pants, even if they were sweatpants. So, doing the next best official thing to trying them on, I eyeballed them while holding the pants up in front of me, and I took a hard pass because of the final demerit: there were no pockets! Where was I going to put my slightly-used tissues, spare change, and my cell phone to record a funny quip while out about in my daily, albeit-sheltered life?

So, I’ll continue to sit in my chair to work, and at the dinner table, and in the drive-thru lines with my super-comfy and holey sweatpants. Maybe Santa will bring me a new pair for Christmas, and I can try them on in the comfort of my home. But for now, I can’t dwell on what might be…I have to go pick up Chinese food for dinner. I should be ok to go in - it’s dark in the lobby!

I look forward to the time when I can stand up and perform comedy my sweatpants...with reinforced crotches.

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