From Where I Sit

So, is it just me, or does everyone have callouses or bruises on their elbows? I've been sitting and working in this particular chair for so long that I've developed callouses on both my elbows. It actually hurts. I'm using old wooden chairs with big sturdy arms, early Americana style… with spindles. I thought it would help me save my nice upholstered dining room chairs. I started sitting in the nice dining room chairs back in March, but I realized after several weeks that the chair padding was not designed for everyday or prolonged use. I left significantly-sized ass prints on two of the chairs. So, I made the switch to the old crappy wooden chairs instead, and while my elbows hurt daily, my ass is very comfortable because I'm sitting on an airline neck pillow. If you ask me it's ingenious! It bounces right back to its original shape every time I get up, and since I’m not flying anywhere for another 2+ years it has been repurposed. It’s kind of like a donut pillow without the need for surgery first. So, in ensuring my butt is comfortable, and it is, I've surrendered to the pain in my elbows. I guess I should just shut up and put up and sit down and maybe just spring for some elbow pads!

From where I sit at my dining room table, I can see into the kitchen and I can almost make out the contents of the toaster oven as the heating elements come to life. I can also see into the living room where my dog naps in the rays of the afternoon sun through the bay window. And also, from where I sit, I can see the same sun reflecting off the one-acre pond in the front yard, while a flock of Canadian Geese purposefully groom themselves along the shore line. It sounds very calming right? Well, its not!!!

I say they should send all geese back to Canada! Why are they here? Are they that lazy that they just can't fly back? I know that they just came back recently, but they have settled in our ponds, lakes, golf courses, fountains and birdbaths! Well, maybe they should be allowed in bird baths, it's in the name after all, but I think they should take their baths and get the f*** out! Is there no water in Canada for these squatters to hang out in? I know it's cold in Canada, and eventually the ice will melt, but why settle here at my pond in New Jersey??!!

Loads of Canadian Geese come and stay in my pond every year. They eat and poop, poop and eat, waddle, swim and poop, poop and poop!!! Oh, and they hiss, too, when you get too close. It's their way of saying, “Fuck off! Don’t get any closer or someone is going to get hurt!”

Did you know they are protected? You can't just get rid of them. You need a special license or permit; they are a ‘protected’ species. Who is protecting them? I'd like to have a conversation with that person or persons. You need to get a federal permit to turn the eggs or grease the eggs or something like that. By turning the eggs, they don't hatch so they can't reproduce. It seems like a lot of work to get rid of some damn geese.

I’ve learned there are also some less invasive ways to get rid of geese. For example, we put out a fake coyote - a black stand up figure of a coyote. It worked for about 2 weeks, but the geese figured it out and pooped on it. Our neighbors thought we were crazy! We’ve tried fireworks, we tried releasing our dog to scare the geese off. The geese got the better of him though. They decided to flee to the water with the dog in hot pursuit. The dog got so tired of swimming after them that he nearly drowned!!! As you might expect geese can swim all day in the water, while a dog can’t. Eventually we had to launch a row boat into the pond to herd the dog to the shoreline. Our dog came out filthy and exhausted, and the geese just kept swimming smugly by, almost leering at us. “See, we told you someone was going to get hurt!”

Swans are natural predators for geese. Geese are afraid of them, so I actually investigated getting a pair of nesting swans. They are pretty, but very territorial. I think if we went down that road we would have another problem on our hands, plus Swan poop too.

I read somewhere that you can spray grape juice on the lawn and areas where the geese walk and eat and apparently, they don't like that either, but I don't want to be spraying grape juice all over my lawn. Grape juice should be used only as a last resort - we all need wine every now and again!

One year I woke up to discover a large goose carcass on the front lawn. Let me be clear... I DID NOT take out a hit on the goose. It's a federal offense after all! Can you imagine being carted off to jail and being asked, “What are you in for?” Only to reply, “Oh, I took out a hit on a goose.” I did ask around and nobody seems to know what happened. One of my neighbors removed the carcass in a black garbage bag and he hauled it away to an undisclosed location in a white cargo van never to be heard from again. Hey, good news was we didn't have any more geese that year!!! I don't know if they smelled it, saw it after the fact or witnessed its untimely death... either way the geese stayed away that year.

I've got nothing against the Canadian Prime Minister he’s easy on the eyes, nothing against Bob & Doug eh? but I do take exception to their damn geese. They can keep them!

And that’s just my opinion, from where I sit.